Friendship.

For as long as I can remember, I have never understood how some people make friends so easily and honestly have been quite jealous. I have always been a dependent person when it comes to relationships outside family. I don’t know if my understanding of friendship is wrong or twisted, but I surely do not like the after feeling when I realize I am just pushing them away by being too dependent (That’s why blog :P).

It doesn’t matter if the person is a man or a woman, I turn into an attention-hungry leech. I will depend on this friend for my happiness in life, which may include things like getting through the day feeling like someone cares or just being able to call them whenever I feel down. Isn’t that what friendship should be about? I am equally ready to be there for them, I assure you. Although I have known that everyone has their own opinion/perspective about things, I have realized that everyone likes their space. Misinterpretation of feelings has caused problems in my life from a far back as I can remember. If only we knew what that other person truly felt.

This “challenge” (Not a problem) has inhibited my ability to make many long-lasting friends. That’s interesting, because I am at my happiest self when I am with other people. I know from experience that family cannot always fill every gap in your life, no matter how much they love you. There are certain things, like having another person relate to your problems, having someone who understands what you are going through, having someone who can give you a different perspective, someone who doesn’t always think that the most rational choice is the best choice, you can’t get these with family.

I know that there are a lot of people who are emotionally independent. These are the people who don’t feel the need for that feeling, the feeling of wanting to feel loved, the feeling of wanting to be there for others, the feeling of wanting to get closer and closer. I honestly wish I was one of them, then I wouldn’t have to wrestle so many thoughts about things that the other person would not even dream about.

I find it a need nowadays, to constantly remind myself to back off and give the person the space they need while assuring them that you are there if they need you. I have come to accept that this is just how I am, and nothing is wrong with me. I feel this is a huge step in the right direction.

The way I am going to handle this is just make Pramod #1. Just focus on myself and my growth. Whenever I want to take decisions, I will take that one that puts my interests on top. I will not depend on other people for love or comfort, I will not compromise(Unless it is in my best interest to do so) but reside with the knowledge that even if I fail in life, even if I am having to live on the streets, I will always be there for me.

Writing this gave me more comfort than you can imagine.

 

Live long and prosper.

Edit:

Reader input – The friends people make are mainly of 3 types i feel… One kind is of the fleeting kind where they are just peers or colleagues but to call them that is deemed by society as hurtful. It is so because being peers is not enough, it gives a sense of distance that is uncomfortable to everyone. When your peer introduces you to a third person (lets say me), he calls you his friend and not peer as he doesn’t want to embarrass or hurt you in front of me… The second kind is the durable kind but only when your lives make you traverse paths together for a sufficient period if time (college, school, job).. These are the ones you wouldn’t call on a holiday but you do enjoy their company a lot and spend quality time with them when together… You can share most of the things with them but not all…. I think the last type, the best/closest friends stand the test of time and within a lifetime, if we can have like 5 of them, we should count our stars lucky and be grateful… These are ones you go back to even when there’s no logical reason to.. They hear and feel you and you them.. This lasts forever.